Bittersweetness

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 August 3rd will be the seven year anniversary of my last day of cancer treatment. This summer I have continued to embrace the idea of "bittersweetness" as discussed in my last blog post because I believe it describes me at my core. I recently finished this book about bittersweetness, and the author writes about it as "a tendency to states of longing, poignancy, and sorrow, an acute awareness of passing time; and a curious piercing joy at the beauty of the world." I feel fully understood by this word and this definition. I know I was definitely a "bittersweet" type before my diagnosis, but I also believe my diagnosis has further deepened this part of myself. 

When I was going through treatment, I would praise and indulge my body for feeling "healthy" in the off week before the chemo drugs returned - drenching my days and reducing my insides to a nauseating mess. The chemo infusion was bitter; the music my mom turned on for me while I tried to sleep it off was sweet. Seeing my peer's lives move ahead of mine was bitter; a handwritten letter sent from my friend's college dorm room was sweet. Not even being able to speak to a visitor because I was so sick was bitter; being able to celebrate each and every one of them at a "chemo free coffeehouse" was sweet. The sweet moments always felt so deeply special because they pierced my heart with joy, in spite of the sorrow I often felt. 


I still carry this bittersweetness with me today. I take pictures of lupine flowers along the north shore but feel an ache because I know they will be gone by the end of summer. I spend hours on coffee dates with friends and feel myself coming undone when it's over because I don't know when I will see them next. I mourn seasons as they pass, but welcome the dawning one with an eagerness for change. I often listen to sad music because it reminds me I am not alone in moments of sorrow. 


Sometimes my emotional depth feels overwhelming, but it also feels like one of the most powerful forces in the world. And I will be forever grateful for that. 


Comments

  1. madameplushbottomOctober 1, 2022 at 6:30 AM

    Oh, B! I often delay reading your blog posts until I know I will have time to savor your words and read and re-read them. Even though I saw this post earlier on social media, I wanted to treasure it again. I relate so strongly to your connection to the word bittersweetness and I think I am going to take your words as encouragement to keep being me and living with my own bittersweetness out loud. I am so dang grateful for you. XO

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